Reflections on 2018

I have to say that 2018 was one of the most difficult years I’ve had in some time. My depression and anxiety were at a level I haven’t experienced in over a decade!

And at every turn I was forced to ask, “Who Am I?” Who am I when I’m not being a ‘graphic designer’? Who am I without the identity of a ‘yoga instructor’? Who am I as I relate to my significant other and as an identity outside this relationship? Who am I as a mother? As a grandmother? As a friend? Who am I in relation to it All?

And so I meditated. I journaled and made art. I breathed. And I cried. And I slept and I dreamed. And then I cried some more. Who Am I?

And then one day, as I was talking to a new counselor, she pulled out her Angel Cards and I drew SHAKTI from the deck. My god. What a smack in the face to be reminded so clearly who I am.

Shakti is divine feminine fire. She is the body awakened with light. She is the divine feminine and she is the kundalini, the energetic force that moves through us, triggered by love that leads to enlightenment of our body. With our kundalini coming alive within us, we cannot remain as we once were. It is impossible! We may try to lead the same lives, be the same in our relationship patterns and perhaps even behave properly, but it simply cannot be done! Soon our disguise slips and people wonder, “What happened to her?” or “What has got into him?”. We are on fire with the divine and we cannot help but misbehave. We are no longer satisfied with trying to be the good child or fearing we are the bad child, we know ourselves instead to be the divine child. That child divine lives fully and with passionate fire, not doing things the way they are supposed to be done perhaps, but living instead from the heart. Our body may ache as we burn through old pain, and sometimes the light within may seem so bright it blinds us for the moment. But that will pass and the misbehaving will suddenly be seen for what it is – the old rules just don’t fit anymore! You don’t plug a globe capable of illuminating the whole world into the bedside reading lamp without burning down the house! Best to let that light shine as it was meant to, in the big arena. Shakti is making your light grow, beloved. Be prepared to shine brighter.

So, as I type this, I commit to my quest more devotedly as 2019 commences: to remember who I really am – beyond time and space, names and forms, and all the pairs of opposites. I commit to shine brighter.

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UPDATE: shortly after writing this, I came across a video predicting that many of us who identify as ‘lightworkers’ would be forced to face our shadow side in 2018. (Note that I prefer the term ‘volunteer’ instead of lightworker because ‘volunteer’ does not convey a sense of polarity and the duality of light vs. dark.) Instead of working love and light for others and reminding them of these Truths, we would need to look deep within and rout out negativities and anything holding us back from truly connecting with Source and Divine Love. Wow! That totally made sense! Oddly enough, this video appeared and I haven’t been able to find it since.